My name is Santa, and I am a success addict.
For over sixteen centuries I have been living a lie.
It started honestly enough. At first all I wanted to do was bring some happiness to deserving children at Christmas. I wanted good children to be rewarded at Christmas, regardless of how wealthy their parents were.
Well, as you no doubt have noticed, for many centuries now it's the rich children who've been getting the good gifts. Lately it's the rich children who've been getting gifts, period. I skip so many poor kids that people have to organize drives to collect presents for them.
Oh, at first I told myself I was justified in favouring the rich kids. It all started with children praying to me for toys. If, I told myself, I answered the rich children's prayers, their parents would be impressed and build chapels to me and endow orders of monks to pray to me. That was good, I told myself, because it would strengthen the Christian faith. At bottom, of course, all I was interested in was me, me, me.
I got even more self-indulgent when the modern economy arrived. I started signing promotional contracts. You don't think Coke gets me for free, do you? When I endorse a product, I get paid for it. I get paid handsomely.
And that's how I got fat. If you look at the pictures of me from before the nineteenth century you'll see that I was pretty fit in those days. By the time I got that Moore guy to do PR, though, I was a blob. He did preserve the myth that I come down the chimney, which shows how gullible kids are, eh? Look at me! – how many freaking chimneys am I going to get down? But the kids lap it up.
By the middle of the twentieth century the money was rolling in. I had long since contracted out delivery. I mean, I cannot get down a chimney. Then some years ago I closed down the North Pole operation. Taxation and labour costs are so much lower in Indonesia. I appointed a chief operating officer so I'd have more time for my self-indulgent jet set lifestyle.
But as the tissue of lies I wove got bigger and bigger, I became less and less able to face myself and my betrayal of all that had once been dear to me. Yes, I had money. I had lots and lots of money. I had women. Oh, I had lots and lots of women. I had cars and planes and estates and plenty of time to enjoy them.
But none of these could numb my anguish. Expansion into the former communist countries kept me occupied for a while, but the anguish soon returned. Many's the long night of the soul I have passed, debating whether or not I should simply put an end to it all.
Then, one afternoon, reeling from a hangover and racked, as always, by guilt, I was idly channel surfing on my magnificent home theatre. I switched to one of the channels to find Oprah Winfrey looking at me and earnestly telling me "You can change."
It was a revelation. Yes, I thought, I can change! After all, I had changed, hadn't I? I'd seen business opportunities and taken them. The people who hadn't changed, the people who were not adapting to circumstances, were all those dimwitted kids and their clueless parents! Year after year I run my game on them and year after year they fall for it!
And now I'm going to change some more. I'm going to enjoy some high self-esteem for a change. And instead of feeling guilty about my obvious business talents, I'm going to use them!
So I am proud to announce that Kringle Logistics International has entered into an arrangement with one of the great corporations of world commerce to produce the new Microsoft Christmas 7.
Microsoft Christmas 7 offers many new features never previously incorporated into Christmas! Christmas will now be held monthly instead of annually, so that you can enjoy good cheer and merrymaking year round! Twelve Christmases a year might sound like a lot of work, but not with the new Microsoft Christmas wizards! Just click on the egg nog icon, for example, and the egg nog wizard appears to make egg nog preparation easier and more enjoyable!
Best of all, to facilitate Christmas gift giving, Microsoft will be upgrading its operating systems monthly! No need to worry about what to get your loved ones for Christmas – get them the newest and most up to date operating system around! Plus the upgraded Microsoft software they'll need to get the most out of their new OS!
Rollout date for Christmas 7 is February 1, 2010, just in time for the celebration of February 25, 2010! Order your copy now to ensure that you don't miss out on all the fun and personal satisfaction of the first non-December Christmas! In history!
Santa, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, St. Nick/Nicholas, Jolly Old St. Nick/Nicholas, and That Jolly Old Elf are registered trademarks of the Microsoft corporation.
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