The sermon on the couch

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1. Blessed are the rich: for they shall have money.
2. Blessed are the lucky: for they may become rich.
3. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after self- righteousness: for they shall be filled.
4. Blessed are the stupid: for they have inherited the earth.
5. Blessed are ye, when men shall praise you, and heap worldly goods upon you, and say all manner of good about you falsely: for reasons too obvious to need to delve into them here.
6. Ye are the salt-free and caffeine-free of the earth, for even though ye have lost your savour, yet do ye no harm to whatever ye are supposed to be giving savour to.
7. Let your lightso shine before men, that ye disturb not their sleep, for the by-laws are very strict in this regard.
8. If thy right eye offend thee, reconsider.
9. Let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: but let your thought be: If it's convenient.
10. Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.
11. But I say unto you, A good lawyer can get you a lot more than that.
12. Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.
13. But lay up for yourselves treasures in some place moth, rust, and burglar-proof.
14. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
15. Every good tree bringeth forth good fruit, and a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
16. But if ye know not the difference between good and evil fruit, ye needn't worry your heads about this.
17. And it came to pass, when these sayings had ended, the people were astonished at this doctrine. And then they hurried off to obey it to the letter.

The Sermon on the Couch © 1998, John FitzGerald