Bloor West

Are you Canadian?

You may be Canadian if:

• you think there should be a maximum prize in the lottery so that more people can share the wealth.
  

• you'd really like to do something to make Quebeckers feel more at home in Canada, as long as it doesn't involve learning French.
  

• you're proud that the best thing in your country in any category is among the ten best things in that category in North America.
  

• you hate Americans but get upset whenever a new Canadian channel bumps an American one off the cable.
  

• you hate Brian Mulroney, even if you voted for him both times.
  

• you know what an in-turn draw is.
  

• you think Toronto is a big city.
  

• you hate Americans, even though most of your relatives are Americans.
  

• you don't think Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player ever.
  

• you own a Tom Connors record or CD.
  

• you hate Americans, but worry that the high dollar will keep them from visiting your town.
  

• you don't understand why they don't have Robertson screwdrivers anywhere else. [and why don't they, eh? – ed.]
  

• you know where you were when Paul Henderson scored The Goal.
  

• you hate Americans, but vacation in Florida.
  

• you still think the Rogers Centre was a good idea.
  

• you've never held a handgun.
  

• you hate Americans, but glow with pride whenever one of them mentions Canada on television.

Are You Canadian © John FitzGerald, 2008

Sunday in Toronto

6938, originally uploaded by johnfitzgerald.

York Club

One way of dealing with an overexposed photograph. Click on the photo for more information.

The language of love

Ah, the French! Connoisseurs of food, of wine, and, of course, of love. Those of us who live in British cultures live in societies deprived of love. What with all the time we must devote to getting and spending, we simply don’t have time for as childish and as…French a sentiment as love!

To understand the joy of love, to understand its wondrous benefits and, above all, its essence, we must turn to the French. Here is a collection of inspiring thoughts about love from the great minds of French culture.

• Love is a simple thing, a desire followed by a brief act, and there you have it reduced to its exact proportions; all the rest is literature. (Maurice Donnay)
  
• Love, as it exists in society, is merely the exchange of two fantasies, and the contact of two skins. (Nicolas Chamfort)
  
• In love one begins with rhetoric and finishes with philosophy. (Jacques Dyssord)
  
• If we judge love by its effects, it resembles hate more than friendship. (La Rochefoucauld)
  
• Love, like everything else which lives, begins to degenerate as soon as it is conceived. (Jean Rostand)
  
• Love is like those hotels where all the luxury is in the lobby. (Paul-Jean Toulet)
  
• Love is a punishment for not being able to keep to ourselves. (Marguerite Yourcenar)
  
• Love is the only passion which is paid for with a currency which it manufactures itself. (Stendhal)
  
• In love it is easier to abandon a sentiment than a custom. (Proust)
  
• The love which one hails as the source of our pleasures is at most only a pretext for them. (Pierre Choderlos de Laclos)
  
• In love, the only victory is retreat. (Napoléon Bonaparte)
  
• What is annoying about love is that it is a crime in which you must have an accomplice. (Baudelaire)
  
• The most beautiful moment of love comes when you climb the stairs. (Georges Clemenceau)

Ah, the French!

The Language of Love ©
John FitzGerald, 2007

Santa's secret life

My name is Santa, and I am a success addict.

For over sixteen centuries I have been living a lie.

It started honestly enough. At first all I wanted to do was bring some happiness to deserving children at Christmas. I wanted good children to be rewarded at Christmas, regardless of how wealthy their parents were.

Well, as you no doubt have noticed, for many centuries now it's the rich children who've been getting the good gifts. Lately it's the rich children who've been getting gifts, period. I skip so many poor kids that people have to organize drives to collect presents for them.

Oh, at first I told myself I was justified in favouring the rich kids. It all started with children praying to me for toys. If, I told myself, I answered the rich children's prayers, their parents would be impressed and build chapels to me and endow orders of monks to pray to me. That was good, I told myself, because it would strengthen the Christian faith. At bottom, of course, all I was interested in was me, me, me.

I got even more self-indulgent when the modern economy arrived. I started signing promotional contracts. You don't think Coke gets me for free, do you? When I endorse a product, I get paid for it. I get paid handsomely.

And that's how I got fat. If you look at the pictures of me from before the nineteenth century you'll see that I was pretty fit in those days. By the time I got that Moore guy to do PR, though, I was a blob. He did preserve the myth that I come down the chimney, which shows how gullible kids are, eh? Look at me! – how many freaking chimneys am I going to get down? But the kids lap it up.

By the middle of the twentieth century the money was rolling in. I had long since contracted out delivery. I mean, I cannot get down a chimney. Then some years ago I closed down the North Pole operation. Taxation and labour costs are so much lower in Indonesia. I appointed a chief operating officer so I'd have more time for my self-indulgent jet set lifestyle.

But as the tissue of lies I wove got bigger and bigger, I became less and less able to face myself and my betrayal of all that had once been dear to me. Yes, I had money. I had lots and lots of money. I had women. Oh, I had lots and lots of women. I had cars and planes and estates and plenty of time to enjoy them.

But none of these could numb my anguish. Expansion into the former communist countries kept me occupied for a while, but the anguish soon returned. Many's the long night of the soul I have passed, debating whether or not I should simply put an end to it all.

Then, one afternoon, reeling from a hangover and racked, as always, by guilt, I was idly channel surfing on my magnificent home theatre. I switched to one of the channels to find Oprah Winfrey looking at me and earnestly telling me "You can change."

It was a revelation. Yes, I thought, I can change! After all, I had changed, hadn't I? I'd seen business opportunities and taken them. The people who hadn't changed, the people who were not adapting to circumstances, were all those dimwitted kids and their clueless parents! Year after year I run my game on them and year after year they fall for it!

And now I'm going to change some more. I'm going to enjoy some high self-esteem for a change. And instead of feeling guilty about my obvious business talents, I'm going to use them!

So I am proud to announce that Kringle Logistics International has entered into an arrangement with one of the great corporations of world commerce to produce the new Microsoft Christmas 7.

Microsoft Christmas 7 offers many new features never previously incorporated into Christmas! Christmas will now be held monthly instead of annually, so that you can enjoy good cheer and merrymaking year round! Twelve Christmases a year might sound like a lot of work, but not with the new Microsoft Christmas wizards! Just click on the egg nog icon, for example, and the egg nog wizard appears to make egg nog preparation easier and more enjoyable!

Best of all, to facilitate Christmas gift giving, Microsoft will be upgrading its operating systems monthly! No need to worry about what to get your loved ones for Christmas – get them the newest and most up to date operating system around! Plus the upgraded Microsoft software they'll need to get the most out of their new OS!

Rollout date for Christmas 7 is February 1, 2010, just in time for the celebration of February 25, 2010! Order your copy now to ensure that you don't miss out on all the fun and personal satisfaction of the first non-December Christmas! In history!

Santa, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, St. Nick/Nicholas, Jolly Old St. Nick/Nicholas, and That Jolly Old Elf are registered trademarks of the Microsoft corporation.

Santa's Secret Life © John FitzGerald, 2001, 2010

Are YOU a Success Magnet?

Just in case you haven't noticed, we'll point out that the world has changed. No more can you expect to get through life in some cushy, undemanding job with an inflated salary.

These days you have to fight to make a decent buck. You have to take initiative. You have to be goal-oriented, a go-getter, a never-quitter, you must be...an ENTREPRENEUR!.

To find out if you have what it takes to succeed in this new competitive world of today, all you have to do is complete this simple quiz. The instructions for scoring follow the quiz.

 1. Suppose you worked for a jerk. Which of the following would be the most likely way you'd deal with the problem?

1. try to do as good a job as possible in the circumstances?
   
2. ignore him/her?
   
3. vigorously contest his/her unreasonable actions?
   
4. shoot him/her?

 2. Which of the following singers do you like the least.?

1. Michael Bolton
   
2. Sheryl Crow
   
3. Alanis Morissette
   
4. Joe Valachi

 3. Which of the following do you try to model yourself after?

1. Mother Teresa
   
2. Martin Luther King
   
3. Bill Gates
   
4. Sammy "The Bull" Gravano

 4. Suppose you went on a trip to Paris. What is the first thing you'd do as soon as you arrived?

1. visit the Louvre
   
2. enjoy a fine French meal
   
3. go to the top of the Eiffel Tower
   
4. pistolwhip the first freaking Frenchman whose fat freaking face you didn't like

 5. Your favourite fashion accessory was designed by:

1. Roots
   
2. Ralph Lauren
   
3. Gianni Versace
   
4. Glock

 6. The type of investment you consider best for you is:

1. a savings account
   
2. a GIC
   
3. mutual funds
   
4. skimmed casino cash flow

 7. Your favourite exercise is:

1. striding
   
2. jogging
   
3. running
   
4. shaking down terrified shopkeepers

 8. The chief way in which you are politically involved is:

1. voting
   
2. canvassing
   
3. sitting on the executive of your riding association
   
4. municipal corruption

 9. Your favourite popular song of the Seventies is:

1. You Light Up My Life
   
2. Shake Your Booty
   
3. Let's Stay Together
   
4. I Shot the Sheriff

10. For Christmas, you would most like to receive:

1. a token of love and affection
   
2. a modestly priced gift
   
3. an expensive gift
   
4. a bribe

That's it! Now follow the simple scoring instructions below to determine YOUR success magnetism!

Scoring. Give yourself a point for each answer you chose which was identified by the letter d. Here's what your score means:

0 to 6 points: Communism is dead, you scumbag pinko degenerate! Either get with the program or get your ass on a plane to Cuba! But first drop by my place so I can kick your Commie ass from here to the airport! Of course, you'd probably like that, you sicko Commie pervert!

7 to 9 points: You have some hope, but your work is still cut out for you. You still retain some of the lazy, soft, defeatist values of the old days, and until you eradicate them completely you'll never earn a slice, however small, of the success pie. Remember, there's still a possibility that you're a threat to society. As more real men and women rise to the top in society, your chances of getting away with being the deviate you still are will get slimmer and slimmer.

10 points: Congratulations! You've got what it takes to get what you want! You're willing to take risks, to set goals, to work together in co-operation with other self-starters so that all may reap benefits! You make money the old-fashioned way – you take it from other people! With this get-ahead entrepreneurial attitude you can get whatever you want! I've wet myself!

Are YOU a Success Magnet? ©: 1997, John FitzGerald