Your new improved conscience!

Are you bothered by a guilty conscience? Do you lie awake at night worrying that you’re doing things you shouldn’t be doing? Do you sometimes think that you’re just a bad person?

Well, now your problems are over! Using the same techniques used by space-age environmentalists, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED is now able to offer you complete, total, and utter absolution for your misbehaviour!

How can we do it? We do it in the same way that leading environmentalists like David Suzuki and Al Gore are able to fly, take long motor trips, and maintain large homes while espousing environmental responsibility! That’s right, friends, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED is now issuing morality credits!

When Al Gore flies around the world to promote environmentalism, the plane he flies in is pumping carbon dioxide into the atmosphere at an enormous rate. To compensate for that, he purchases credits for the amount of carbon dioxide his plane produced from a company or organization which has reduced its carbon dioxide emissions by that amount.

NEW IMPROVED CONSCIENCE CREDITS work in much the same way. We have assembled a large group of people who are faithful to their spouses, file honest income tax returns, obey the highway code, and in many other ways live morally exemplary lives. We monitor their behaviour carefully, and on each of the many days that each of them passes without committing an ethical or moral infraction we issue them a credit for one day of virtuous behaviour. They can then trade this credit on our International Ethical Exchange.

So, if you’ve been worried all day about having cheated on your spouse yesterday, relief is just a phone call away! Simply call your broker and purchase a NEW IMPROVED CONSCIENCE CREDIT!

And here’s good news for you dieters! If you fall off your diet for a day, two days, or even more, we have credits for you, too. We have assembled a large group of people who have had lipectomies, laparoscopic band surgeries, and gastric bypasses. Their weight losses are now available to YOU in the form of diet credits!

Lead a new, guilt-free life, without having to change your lifestyle! In fact, your purchase of conscience credits will encourage others to be good so that they can obtain credits. The world will be a better place, thanks to YOU!

Your New Improved Conscience © 2008, John FitzGerald